Me & Productivity: It's Complicated
A pep talk and an invitation to join me for some low-key productivity this June
As many of you know, I am trying to write a memoir. I have many ways to track my progress on the project, including an app and numerous spreadsheets. Recently I looked back at some of the numbers to see how much I’ve actually been writing. In the last 8 months, I averaged 8.4 hours of writing PER MONTH.
If I had a full-time job and this was a casual side project that wasn’t on a timeline, that would be fine. And I will be the first to caveat this stat with the arguments that parenting a four year-old is more than a full-time job, and I also have a couple of part-time jobs, and I’m writing every week for this newsletter, etc., etc.
But I really want to finish the book. I want to move on to smaller tweaks, and putting it out in the world, and dreaming up something else to work on. None of that happens if I don’t put in the time. I know this. And yet…
…I also know that the toxicity of productivity culture (all tied up with capitalism and white supremacy) is why I’m writing the book in the first place. It’s one of the central themes of the memoir, which shouldn’t be a surprise if you’ve been reading my Substack posts over the last year. It comes up again and again and again. I am desperately trying to break up with achievement and earning my worth and perfectionism and the ideal of goodness.
The irony, though, is that this memoir is something I really do want. It’s something I’ve chosen. No one asked me to quit my job to try to make it in a new field. No one asked me to write a book about my life.
As I type those words it hits me: it’s the same with motherhood. In my case, no one forced me to have a kid. I chose that path, and it has kicked my butt. It’s the hardest, most disruptive task I’ve ever taken on, by a long shot. And guess what?
We are allowed to struggle, even with the things we chose to do.
Because life is complicated. We are all a constellation of contradictions. I write about rest and slowness and burning down capitalism, but meanwhile I’m listening to multiple efficiency-minded podcasts and buying every product, planner, and app on the market that claims it will help me get my shit done. I’ve been writing this book for three years, but week by week, I’m barely writing.
I do like being my own boss, but I’m also a terrible boss. I need more time in my life to write, but I’d probably also benefit from some restraints. I write because it’s cathartic and healing, but I also genuinely hope it will go somewhere—be published, become a job, be acknowledged.
For now, I’m sitting with it all (yes, sitting). Reminding myself that this is what it means to be utterly alive. Aliveness is charged with the electricity of nuance. We were born to be both/and.
With this truth in mind, and the fact that summer is a ripe time for experimentation, I’ve decided to do something a little different in this community for the month of June (2025).
I suspect that edits on my memoir draft might flow a little better if I am able to give them more single-minded focus each week. Toward that end, I am going to put newly-generated TUA posts on hold for five weeks (I’m also traveling the week of July 4th). During that time, you can expect:
A weekly roundup of past Toward Utter Aliveness posts on a particular theme. I am opening up the full archives to everyone, not just paid subscribers!
Four weekly live co-writing sessions that I’m calling Camp Butt-in-Chair (an homage to Anne Lamott). In each session, we will spend one hour together connected via Zoom, but doing our own thing. We’ll do a brief check-in at the beginning and the end. No major project is necessary—everything in service to your writing (or other creative endeavor) counts! Invite a friend! Add these dates to your calendar now:
If Camp Butt-in-Chair resonates, great! Please do join us if you can. If you’re in a season where doing less feels like what your soul needs, I support you wholeheartedly. My mentor, Molly Caro May, is a big advocate of the co-resting session, especially in person, ideally with a hammock. If you invite me to one of those, you can be sure I won’t hesitate to say yes.
With light, life, and love,
Devon
Love your camp idea and will try to join for at least one! And the co-resting idea is also brilliant - definitely down for that sometime. The procrastination pull is strong for me, too, especially when it comes to writing and creative work in general.
“I do like being my own boss, but I’m also a terrible boss.“ You’re selling yourself short!